A Collection of DUIs
by an awesome blossom
Summary: What, what the hell is all this? It's the same question I ask myself when I look on the computer the morning after a bit of drinking and drabbling... ADDITION: Malon & Link, Tingle
1. FAG: Ilia

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS:** FAG  
by an awesome blossom  
_A fictional note of comfort for a fictionally-a-faggot Ilia. _

Implied Link/Ilia but I swear I have lost all ability to write Ilia as not-a-lesbian... _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Smoke smoke smoke spinning eternally in the air not lost but simply transferred into another medium, so when you see it disappear don't fret dear, don't fret, dear. You'll get your second-hand smoke yet, yes. You'll get your daily-fag dose. And of course, why wouldn't you! You live with it, don't you? 

Does your father know? Your father doesn't know, dear, does he? And why would he! You've played the It Girl with the It Boy and if you don't have It Babies then that's divine judgment is it not? Instead of simple sexuality? The thought of people loving who they love!

What would your dead mother think?

NOTHING! Ha, that is it, isn't it? NOTHING NOTHING NOT THAT BUT NO-THING, and that's just it, isn't it? The nihilist sensation with no reservation to a spot in your mind, right? But just throw it out. Throw it out. Everything is something, please remember that, dear. Your father may not understand but YOU will, and therefore the Gods will. The Gods will, dear, the Gods' Will. They know all, you understand?

So don't worry, don't worry, darling, the Gods know everything, and you have no reason for excuse. What is is is, and they create what is. So you're safe, doll, safe with her, with them, with them.

Safe for eternity.


	2. ON TOP OF THE SHELF: Link & Zelda

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS: **ON TOP OF THE SHELF  
by an awesome blossom  
_Link has naughty thoughts while escorting Princess Zelda through the sewers._

I have no idea how this corresponds to the prompt despite being the one to suggest it... _The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

He spies a golden moment as she lifts her dress up past her knees to wade through the dank sewer system that is hardly becoming of a princess.

Is it bad to become aroused? While battling snakes, rats, spiderwebs and thinking of princesses baring it all on the way to a safe haven?

Naughty boy, boy he was (man he is)!

But as these snakes hiss and the rats bite and the spiderwebs creep, it is nothing for him to think of. Cast it from the mind, confused boy! Think of her cream silk legs no longer, no longer - no longer they are since she's lowered her dress since he escorted her safely to dry ground (and isn't he the hero now?)!

For naught, naught, naught, it is for naught. They are at the sanctuary and the invisible virgin force field is in place. Try luck with the gods naught, kid, and envision her dress no longer, no longer!

Naughty boy! Naught, naught, naughty boy.

No-thing boy.

Virgin seal in place.


	3. SNEAKERS: Link & Moblin

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS:** TENNIS SHOES ARE NOT FOR TENNIS  
by an awesome blossom  
_They're called "sneakers"...get it? _

_The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Flicker, flicker, light light lighlighlili--

A SOUND!

Link hunkered down into his barrel and prayed that the Moblins wouldn't notice it un-suspiciously moving about four yards since they last saw it. Maybe they were retarded, he reasoned inside his wooden shell.

But that shell was not a shell.

Because it was flammable.

"GOT YOU FUCKHEAD," the Moblin screamed irrationally as he fucking pitched his torch toward the target-practice vicinity of OH-FUCK-THIS-IS-MY-HEAD-WE'RE-TALKING-ABOUT.

But it was a map that was the vicinity of whatever, and Link breathed a sigh of relief because, well, his head was intact. His penis, too. Not like he was MORE worried about that...

Okay, well, he was.

Just shut up.


	4. HERE TO GO: Zelda & Ilia

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS:** HERE TO GO  
by an awesome blossom  
_Why not?_

Zelda/Ilia. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Here to go, the sound falls gently (below you yet rising above you), and it's slowing, slowing, flowing down to the end. And is there one in sight? The end (what is that anyway)? 

Love?

She laughs, and it is just like the sound that is here to go - rising above you, gentle below you, and all that jazz (fucking noxious rhythms). "Is love the be all to end all?" she wonders against a smooth, soft temple - one she wishes she could enter into fully like a kid to a wetslide.

"Why not?"

And why not? Zelda sighs against that delightful yet aggravatingly closed temple that she has no trouble worshiping at. "Why anything?"

"Why not?" Ilia repeats again, and it is history in motion, a repetition of sources and a false sense of _deja vu_.

Zelda wants to scoff at this question, but as she lays bare against Ilia ("why not?") in the cool summer breeze, she can't help but feel that this is the million rupee concept - the basic tenant of humanity, of life and her living itself (the essence of being):

"Why not?"

(Ilia).


	5. CHICKEN POX: Sheik & Impa

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS: **CHICKEN POX ON THE PENIS  
by an awesome blossom  
_I'm gradually coming around to this whole girl!Sheik thing.  
_

_The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

skritch-skratch-skritch-skratch  
chicken-pox on the penis: nasty sight

"Don't scratch it too much!" Impa warned, and Sheik passed a tongue through his lips into the open air.

Sheik didn't scratch; he skritched -  
too much

His penis fell off into a blue moat outside the drawbridge that was destined to carry the little hero that could, and oh god he tried to wait for him, but really, his penis fell off. And he was pretty sure that was a serious thing.

skritching-scratching-skritching  
nail-tool shaped a clitoris

skreetching-skritching-skreetching  
nail-shovel dug a vagina

Much better.

(_'cause Sheik be a lady to-night_)


	6. STILETTO: Zelda & Ilia

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS: **STILETTOS  
by an awesome blossom  
_Zelda likes Ilia._

_The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Cheap leather wound around her ankle, like vines vines vines we're living in the rain forest. Canopy tops drooping way down oh-so low, almost disgracefully - but if only there could be anything besides grace to her delightful skin. 

And she was not worthy; Ilia was so not worthy. With her country yard scent, it was totally unreal! Rain forest meeting the country side? But trees strangled by vines defied expectations by gently stroking easily-frightened barnyard creatures.

But she underestimate them, these creatures. They are cute and unafraid, ferocious even, if she let them catch a glimpse of red (pinkpinkpleaseletitbepink). And they charge. Brilliantly into the rain forest, chargechargecharge - mapping out every inch of the way (and rumor has it that the rain forest runs pretty deep).

Canopies swooping down low to catch them (cradle them, even?), these domesticated beasts on the run, and spindly snake fingers reach out to touch. And beasts eat snakes (original tempter of woman), so it is no loss.

Zelda wryly introduces the beasts to the patron rain forest goddess, Stiletto. And gleefully they play before descending upon the princess herself.


	7. TITILLATING TITTIES: Link & Zelda

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS: **TITILLATING TITTIES  
by an awesome blossom  
_Not if you were the last man on earth._

AU Link and Zelda. _The Legend of Zelda_ series is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

Nascent wafting of some scent he was unfamiliar with approached him with uncertainty - swirling in the air like a sucker (and that's what he was, for Her.  
Oh, there she was.  
That beauty, dancing round and round, with her heaving set of titillating tits. 

It wasn't often that Link came there, but when he did, it was always to see Her, the Goddess of his dreams.  
Fuck, she was gorgeous to him, even when she, so strung out on coke and dope, probably didn't realize it.

Young, supple thighs welcomed his imagination heartily, and he closed his eyes, diving in as he knew she continued to weave that delightful rhythm around that pole (him, someday.  
Over the rainbow, they played - the hypnotic sway of her hips - and he had to open his eyes to reality (for they were not Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion at all.  
Until he closed his eyes again when she winked at him deliciously (in which case they were).

Women all around him danced (even in his dreams, even with her), but all he saw was that beautiful maiden - eyes shut or closed.  
Each girl danced magnificently around that pole (penispenispenispenis), and he knew that; he appreciated that...but they were not her.  
Reluctantly not her (imagine, a dozen HERS.  
Each one a beautiful stripper named "Zelda".

That was the dream.  
Horrifically unpractical and unsuited to every day life, but it was there.  
Else he might never fall asleep peacefully again.

Last call was announced, and Link knew that was his chance; he...needed to talk to her.  
Alone.  
Strike him with lightning right now, right then, for he could never be able to talk to a girl like her.  
That would be the day...

Man, he was a man, but he needed to act like one; he needed to grow some proverbial balls (though in his case he was already in possession of the literal ones.  
All the girls were on stage then except her, and...he suppose that's what prompted him to make his move.  
No one was guarding the entrance to the dressing rooms, so he slipped in.

Once he was inside, he gulped once, twice, three times (but never enough.  
Not enough for her to notice him, though.

Eventually he got her attention, and Zelda gazed upon him...as if she knew it would come to this.  
As if she knew their relationship of performer-audience would change.  
Right then, his balls arrived.  
Then, then, then...he asked her out.  
Hesitantly, her breath formed an answer.


	8. SHORT ON MONEY: Link & Linebeck

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS:** SHORT ON MONEY BUT LONG ON TIME  
by an awesome blossom  
_Life is free. _

AU Linebeck and Link. Prompt comes from a line to Paolo Nutini's "New Shoes". _The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

And onward ho, onward ho, they drift merrily, merrily, merrily, and somewhere else life was a dream - but not then! Not then, no, not them, no! 

Goddammit!

They ride on speckled whales over the sunset to visit the New Year in El-Aye, but only when it's raining (men men men). Hallelujah! The stars welcome them then, caressing between water drops. And it's a lovely vacation from reality.

When they're not hitching a ride from aquatic mammals so high they flew (and drifting to a dream that never was), they peered their dirty little faces into the record store with their dirty little eyes gazing longingly at the dirty little inside, and they had dirty little secrets now, didn't they.

Fuck, he's been shot!

But it's just the door that time, and he's not sailing to VEE-ET-NAM, so the other breathes easily and they go play chess by the grove (sticks and stones break bones to crown the King of God). Never mind the fact that they don't know how to play. Oh hell, oh well! So it goes!

And there it went (behind the bushes, you see that? No? Run, it's the cops!)!

Can't even count the steps they take, what the hell is that! Kid should have stayed in school, stayed in the cool, and he knows this, and he knows that, but he doesn't know it so he should have stayed. He didn't, though, so now he's broke and dumb (but having fun 'cause he's not alone).

No, no no! Dumb and stupid and ignorant and crazy, but not alone! Not in VEE-ET-NAM. Not in the dirty little record store. Not in El-Aye.

Not In Love,  
(but they are).

Goddammit!


	9. STIFF IN THE CAR: Zelda & Sheik

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS: **STIFF IN THE CAR  
by an awesome blossom  
_Sheik plus chai tea equals best ever. Just so you know._

AU Sheik & Zelda. Turn back now because the rest aren't going to make as much sense! _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

"There's a dead person in the car. You know that, right?" Sheik murmured uneasily as they cruised down the highway at eighty-plus miles an hour.

"Sure I do," Zelda said simply. "It's my former self. The one left behind. Surely you know?"

Sheik twitched and had a craving for chai. "Sure... But what of the authorities? How will they take it? I hardly think they'll understand."

"They will if you take the wheel," Zelda smiled from the side and held out her hand in an obscene-masquerading-as-a-polite gesture.

Sheik gulped, suddenly found himself in the driver's seat, and shifted the car from neutral into drive.


	10. PIGS: Zelda & Ganondorf

**PIGS (THREE DIFFERENT ONES)**  
by an awesome blossom  
_"Big man, pig man, ha ha, charade you are." _

Title comes from a song by Pink Floyd. The Legend of Zelda series of property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

He huffs, and he puffs, but Ganondorf won't blow her resolve down with his thinly veiled threats and musculature intimidation. 

"I won't marry you," Zelda in-factuates, and he leaves for the time being, taking along with him all her chances at a decent night's sleep. When he leaves, she curls into a ball and wishes that life was simpler.


	11. MIDNA: Midna

**A COLLECTION OF DUIS: **MIDNA

Spoilers for the end of the game. _The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess_ is property of Nintendo and co.

* * *

There was an hour in between realities, and in that period she felt alone. So alone, so inexplicably, unbelievably alone. A her, and a not her. And between, between, they were, she was (not).

"Our hearts were one, once," Zelda noted in that hour.

"They were," Midna acknowledged. And that's all she did, really, in the time between Zelda and Twilight - those two crutch realities.

On her own! On her own! What was she then? Alone, out of her element, with no dog to command or woman to think around.

"You know me," she said, sadly, to him in the last fifteen minutes, "better than anyone. Who am I?"

He stared and said simply, as if she was stupid, and it was just a volley belatedly returned: "You."

What a simple answer from a simple boy! And who was she?

Had she stayed an hour longer in the Land of the Light, she might have known, because princesses are countries, not women.


	12. OPHELIA: Malon

**ophelia  
**_playing hero for milk_

malon and link

* * *

She was waiting for her knight in shining armor all this time, yet all she received for her hopes and dreams was a scrawny boy in green.

"You're going to have to try harder than that," Malon said preemptively when watching him try to woo a particular horse just as she had done when the mare was a mere filly. Nothing but a beautiful song, sung so sweetly in remembrance of her deceased mother would calm that one, and yet he, the boy of green and pock-marked skin, did just that with the notes of his instrument vibrating is psychic resonance.

Ah, fairy boy.

IAnd the time before Ganondorf's rule came flooding back, and--/i

"If you beat my record, I'll give you something good," Malon said again some time later after she recovered from the shock of knowing something beyond that which Ingo's hard hand presented to her. The animals seemed happier, and so should she. And what a better companion than one who would always appreciate a certain song played with such beauty...

...Why buy the milk when you can win the cow for nothing but your own sweat and exertion?


	13. BALLOON ANIMALS: Tingle

**balloon animals**  
_air-singing_

tingle

* * *

Tingle blew up and he went down, scouring the oceanic beach - for sound? He marked it all ooon his map! And sold it for rupees and rupees a piece. He bobbed and rose and fell, he did. And marked all the spaces he knew between great mountains high on the topmost peak, sliding down avalanches and documenting their route.

And when he had the tiiime - for children, and that. They gathered all around him and stared at his hat. They said, "Sir, show us, sir, please show us your map!" And Tingle he said "Koola Limpah N'at!" Then he showed them. And they saw. And it was a great, wondrous sight that they saw:

Pictures of mountains that look like bumps. Sailing atop spiky humps. The flat lines of flat plains connecting to squiggly forest trees that they never knew!

Now Tingle, he gathered up his wares, he did. He tucked them all into his pouch-bag, yes. And the children, they looked

at

him.

And smiled as Tingle flew into the air.


End file.
